This Is My Confession…

I’m baaaaaaack!!

So I fell off the grid for a little bit. Where was I you might ask? Oh I was just over here binge eating and feeling sorry for myself. Yes, you read that right. I fell OFF the wagon! The holidays had come and gone, and here I was 8 pounds later wondering what on earth had happened. Halloween and Thanksgiving were a breeze to get through. Having a treat every so often, a holiday meal, then right back on track. Then December rolled around, and that was where it started to get ugly. I started to have a bit of shoulder pain that was getting progressively worse. The worse it got, the angrier I got. Then I also started having huge feelings of resentment. Mostly because of my experience from my last show and some instances prior to that as well. Being so restricted, hours of cardio a day, weeks of no carbs, having zero life outside of prep, pushing important things to the side, wasting my entire Sundays driving over an hour for posing, a workout, and critiques that completely belittled me 99% of the time, missing out on an awesome sponsorship opportunity, believing many things I came to find out later were a lie, feeling like I had let people down, and so much more. All of this started to weigh very heavy on me.

My once to twice weekly treat meals started turning into, “Oh, someone brought cookies to work today! I’ll just have a couple!” or “I don’t feel like making anything tonight. Let’s order a pizza instead.” My 6 days a week at the gym had dwindled down to 3. I had an excuse for anything and everything. This has never been my mindset, but somehow I just let it continue to spiral out of control. There was one night the beginning of this month my boyfriend and I went out to dinner and a movie and of course I stuffed myself to the max. When we got to the movie there was a man next to me who had popcorn and a pretzel with cheese. I remember it so vividly because I was so sickeningly full that the sight, smell, and even thought of it made me want to hurl. At one point I thought I was going to have to excuse myself from the movie while he finished.

That next morning I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn’t see the same person that I used to. Somehow I had let all of these things get twisted in my head and they were morphing me into someone else. Someone I knew I did not want nor deserve to become. In one months time my body and mind had completely changed. I was sad, upset, and unhappy with myself. I knew it was time to get back to the old me before I let it go any farther. I was DONE feeling sorry for myself and ready to do whatever I needed to get back to my happy place in life.

I am currently just over one week back into tracking my foods, sticking with my macros, and fitting things in that I like while making modifications to them. It has been surprisingly easier jumping in head first than I thought it would be to start again. I was even excited logging my first day’s entries! I’m down 1 pound for the week which I am really happy with. My goal is to lose 1/2-1 pound a week until I shed the 8 I gained then go back into a maintenance phase. I’m finally listening to my body and giving my shoulder some rest. I have cut out shoulder work directly and trying to limit indirect work for the next week or two in hopes that it just needs some good old fashioned rest. I’m working back up to 5 days a week at the gym and giving myself two non consecutive rest days. I was also doing terrible on my water intake since June so I’m working on a gallon a day again. Gotta love that jug life! So far I have been feeling great making these changes! There are still those feelings of resentment there, but I’m trying to use them in a positive way to fuel my fire rather than them being negative now.

As for competing this year, my plan was to crossover to figure and do a show in July. Well, plans change. I believe that I should have a healthy mindset again before I decide it is time to get back on stage. I also have other important things taking priority in my life right now. Will I ever compete again? Probably. Right now is just not the time, but I’m sure that time will come again. As for now…I’m working on finding my “normal” again. One word: BALANCE. I think I’m finally finding it

Don’t be afraid to make a change,

Hbombs